Day something: Sometimes this sucks

So, today was fine at school. I was mellow, the kids were great, I didn’t try to do too much and for some reason, Girl 1 decided to be honest with me this morning and then she participated in school and actually learned some things today.

But the last hour of my life sucked. And it feels like it sucked because I’m trying to be zen.  And I’m sure that it “sucked” because I’m “trying” to be zen and that these are all “thoughts”  and if I would just “let go” of them, all would be fine and I’d be enlightened.  But right now, I’m kind of over it. I’m actually laughing at myself as I write this and I guess I’m not totally “over it” but I am kind of annoyed and tired of the whole thing.

Basically, it started when I tried to squeeze in starting a load of laundry before I rode my bike to the zendo. As I was checking my watch, I heard myself say “You’re trying to squeeze things in. You’re trying to do two things at once. You’re rushing, thinking you can control things.” But guess what, I totally got it done and made it to the zendo with plenty of time, so there.

Then instead of  meditating  in the zendo,  I was thinking. I was composing blog posts, reminding myself to warn Girl 1 about lining up at the end of recess, considering whether or not I wanted to go out for dinner or stay home. Then I stopped myself, told myself that this was the one time of day that I could be free of my thoughts, tried counting my breath, asked myself those 5 questions, and tried really hard to just concentrate on opening my mind. I spent the entire time trying not to think and thinking. Then people  started tiptoeing around for service so I tried one more time to stop thinking but instead  just tried guessing who  was doshi  based on the sound of their tiptoes.

Then we did service, which I already don’t like. And I immediately made a mistake in bowing and got really pissed off. “This causes me such suffering- what am I doing here?” And that same lame voice said, “You are embracing your suffering. You are choosing to come to service to make peace with it.” And I thought, “Well then why the @#&* isn’t it getting better?”

Then we chanted, which I also hate. And I chanted with such passive aggressiveness you wouldn’t believe it. I was totally monotone and straight faced and I thought that anyone looking at me would think “Wow, she’s so sad and solemn. I wonder what’s going on?”  Then I got all present again and listened to the voices in the room and realized that it was about them and not about me and I repeated in my head, “This is about everyone else in the room, not about you. Do what you can to support them.”  And I’d say that was the most genuine thought I had.

When I got home I thought about why I was pissed and realized it was because I was trying so hard: to get the forms right in the zendo, to “not think,” to “be present.” I was “grasping” at things, wanting to “figure things out” doing everything  except “letting go.” And then I said, “So what? What’s so wrong about wanting to figure things out? What’s bad about trying to save time? I’m a curious person who likes to make sense of things and the whole “time” thing is just a habit from my dad.” And then I thought, “This is good, you’re being compassionate with yourself, seeing yourself.”

And then I said, “Shut up. Enough with you. I’m going to eat my bagel chips, from a bag, as many as I want and not be present for them at all. And then I’m going to eat chocolate pudding and compose a blogpost and hope that lots of people read it and think it’s funny. I’m not going to stop myself from any of this. I’m just going to do it.”

And so, here I am. Hope you thought it was funny. Not going to give some resolution or neat happy ending.