Day 29 One Day Sit Part 2: Work and Release

Work: A fellow practitioner commented on my post about "not setting goals" that having to stop work when the bell rings to end the work period is great practice in "letting go." I've been keeping this present in my mind since then, just stopping when it's time to stop instead of grasping to finish. This is definitely a struggle for me but it's also a huge relief for me when I actually do let go.
I was on bathroom duty for soji. I immediately read the instructions and worked to make the most of my time, spraying the disinfectant first so that it could sit while I cleaned the rest of the bathroom. I cleaned the mirror, sorted the garbage, and started cleaning the sink when... the bell rang! OMG- I hadn't taken out the garbage, hadn't even cleaned the inside of the toilet bowl, and all the surfaces were wet with disinfectant! I couldn't let it go. I rushed to clean the toilet bowl, quickly wiped down all the surfaces, and the only reason I didn't take out the garbage was because I didn't think I could get down to empty it and back up to return the container before I had to be in the zendo. I decided that it could be taken care of by the next person.It was OKAY to let it be. But guess what? The garbage was still there at lecture, still there in the afternoon, and still there when I left that night. It's not the end of the world but I definitely felt responsible for it still being there.

During work period, I ended up helping three other women to clean the residents' bathroom. It actually felt kind of good to scrape off soap scum from the walls and to rinse it down the drain. It was also nice that all four of us didn't really know exactly what we were supposed to do but figured it out enough to clean the bathroom together. When the bell rang, I started to leave but one of the women said, "Shouldn't we bow?" So, we waited while the third woman finished up, got together in a circle, and bowed to each other. I'm grateful to that resident for doing that- it kept me mindful of the group effort we had made instead of my individual work.
I do have to admit, though, that at one point I thought, "This is kind of weird. We're, like, working. They're making us work." It felt a little like the monkeys working for the bad witch in the Wizard of Oz, like, forced labor or something.
But then I thought, "Mmmmm, not so much. We're keeping the bathroom clean because we all use it. This is our bathroom, this is our building, this is our place that we come to to meditate. This is ours, of course we should clean it, we want it to be clean."
Zazen: Like my first one day sit, much of my zazen was filled with thoughts. In the morning, I'd say it was 80% thoughts, 20% empty. Lately, I feel like the only way I can empty my mind is to almost hold it in position, freeze it, like clenching your teeth. This doesn't feel right at all.
I talked about this with Paul in dokusan and he advised me to try two things: 1-instead of trying to hold on to that place, just keep coming back to it when you notice that you've left and 2- notice what draws you away from that place.
It turns out that school (my work) and this, writing blogposts, are what draw me away from that place- uh oh!
But then I looked a little deeper at this and realized that I'm doing two things. When I think about school, it's to plan lessons or have conversations with Girl 1. I do both of these things in an attempt to control school, to make it go one way or another, to reduce the unknown factor of my day. It helps, especially the planning of lessons. But what helps more is when I go in without expectations and just let the lessons (and Girl 1) be what they are.
The blogposts are also helpful. I learn a lot about my practice by writing about it. But I also think that often, I write to try to make sense of what I'm doing, to make it fit into a neat concept or accessible idea, and this is kind of grasping, and not so much letting go. I'm still working on this one. I like writing the blog and I don't think it is responsible for ruining my zazen. But I do think that I turn to writing it as a comfort when my mind gets quiet.
Walking back into the zendo, after dokusan with Paul, felt a lot lighter. The last three periods of zazen were about 60% thought, 40% quiet but much more open, not so much clenching. For now, coming back to quiet instead of maintaining it, seems to help. Also, in general, I just felt more peaceful after the one day sit. I didn't notice a point at which this happened, I just felt lighter as I left, and more willing to let things go.