As I was walking to work this morning, this is what went through my head: “Okay, I’ll make sure she hangs up her backpack so that she can’t eat her snack in class. Oh, right, remember to meet after school… Oh, but what if…. Oh, you know that’s gonna be such a pain in the…” and then I thought, “Wait, I don’t want this. I don’t want to be thinking these things. They don’t change my day. I have an idea of what’s going to happen today, but thinking about it doesn’t make it any better, it just tightens my shoulders and clenches my jaw.” So I said to myself, “Let the thoughts go,” and they went away for awhile and I looked at the boring sidewalk and I walked the rest of the way to school.
I’ve told myself to let go of my thoughts before but it was always because I was “supposed to let go of my thoughts.” But now, I actually want to let go of my thoughts, or at least, these ones that cause me stress. I can spin them around in my head but now it feels kind of futile to keep them there, and a little detrimental to my day.
Today I also practiced “not knowing.” I had decided to do this after I reflected on why I was getting so frustrated with the kids. I realized that I had fallen back into the habit of seeing them through my fears about them learning enough or them being in control instead of just seeing them for who they are. It backfired in the morning, worked in the afternoon, and would have been great if I had been present enough to practice it all day.
This morning, Girl 1 was walking in to school as the rest of us were walking down to the yard. Instead of corralling her to the yard I said, “I don’t know that she’s playing around. Maybe she needs to go to the bathroom,” and let her be. When we got back in to the classroom, a bunch of the kids “behavior” cards had been turned. Girl 1 denied any involvement in the situation (though she was the only person who had access to the room). I apologized to the class for the confusion about their cards being turned, said I knew how it had happened, and explained that I would take care of it. Reflecting upon it later, I realized that she had actually turned the cards to “good.” Had I been present and seen that part of her action instead of her denial and refusal to follow the rules, I could have reframed her behavior for the class and pointed out how far she has come, how much she wants to help, how much she wants friends…
This afternoon, though, I stepped back and took a breath and saw the third graders for themselves. I often use the backs of papers to make photocopies of one- sided worksheets. When I passed out the plural nouns worksheets, the kids started walking around the room, comparing who got whose old test- answer sheets. My initial reaction was “OMG they’re off task! They’re going to start arguing over who got whose paper. They’re going to start criticizing each other’s work.” But then I stepped back and listened. “Miss B, look, I got one half of his paper and he got the other and we’re sitting right next to each other! See, we can remake his paper!” “Oooh, I got my own paper!” “Hey, who got my paper?” And I let them be, and they got over it, and then they started writing their plural nouns.
Finally, I met with Boy 1’s family yesterday. They were surprised when I said that he had never rolled his eyes at me or given me attitude. Today, he totally gave me attitude and did everything that his family had described in our meeting. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what had changed, and then I realized it was me. I have a feeling that Boy 1 might have been “giving me attitude” from the beginning but because I saw him within the context of feeling rejected/ abandoned, I saw the attitude as a request for acceptance, not a sign of disrespect. But after the meeting, I started seeing him from a new angle. I need to go back to seeing his actions without interpreting them, I need to back to “not knowing” him or, at least, seeing him again as someone who wants acceptance.
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