So, all this week I've been sitting on the fence- the fence between what I'm doing and what I know I could be doing to make me feel less like I'm feeling (which is anxious, tired, basically, not at ease). I'm sitting on this fence watching myself on each side.
On the one side, I see myself organizing, planning, thinking: "Okay, if I do this..." or "I need to do this so that..." or "How come I feel this way when..." I'm watching myself trying to get more out of my time, trying to get things done, trying to "fix" what the kids didn't understand. And from atop the fence I see that I am grasping, trying to control things, deluding myself into thinking things will be better if, avoiding instead of accepting my experience.
But when I'm on that side of the fence, it feels really safe. My thoughts are wrapping me like a flannel blanket or hot cocoa. They're familiar, they're safe, they're reliable.
From the fence I know that these things are actually what is causing me to need my thoughts. I know that what I need is to climb back up from that place of my thoughts and get to the other side where I am present and aware.
And from atop the fence I can see the other side, where I could be letting go and giving in. I actually know the feeling of release when I let go (I felt it last week at the Full Moon Ceremony). I can feel what it's like when I'm free of my thoughts. I can remember the days when I'm present for the kids, when we have fun because I'm not trying so hard, when I just see them as eight year olds. I see it, and I know I should just jump off this fence down into that place.
But this fencepost feels safe too. And jumping off, especially into the realm of letting go, feels super scary. Cognitively, practice wise, awareness wise, I totally know and can even cite examples of how great that side of the fence is, but I'm afraid to go there.
Actually, I don't think I'm afraid to "go" there, I think I'm afraid to jump. Because I know the thinking, grasping, controlling side of the fence. I know it brings me suffering but I also know it like the back of my hand.
But the letting go side, even though I've been there, and have had good experiences there, is still unknown. That's kind of the whole crux of this practice, "not knowing," standing there, in front of some "automatic fastball pitcher of life" and responding to whatever comes my way. Jumping off the fence feels like jumping into nothing, which it is.
And I know it's up to me. I'm the only one who can jump off and all it takes is a jump but right now, I'm sitting on the fence, just watching.
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