I was noticing something. I noticed that when I watched someone, and considered why they were doing what they were doing, I was only thinking about them. See, in the past when I would think about their behavior, I always related it to myself: what I had done to cause this behavior, what I could do to change this behavior, how I could make things better between us. But this morning, I didn't think about that at all. I just noticed this person doing what they were doing, thought about what they might be going through, and had compassion for their actions.
And then I thought, "Hmmm, I wonder why I'm no longer a part of this equation. I wonder where my self went?"
And then I thought about how much effort I had put in to seeing myself with this person: how I had watched my behavior around them, examined my habits, seen the similarities between my interactions with them and people in my early childhood. In doing this, I had finally seen that the difficulties between us, were coming from me. I saw that I had the power to make things better between us by letting go of these habits, these perceptions, these fears. I also thought about the fact that I had done this to reduce my suffering with this person.
And that's when it hit me: It was my self that was causing me suffering and I had actually embraced my self in the same way that you're supposed to embrace your suffering. And my self shrank, in the same way your suffering often shrinks when you embrace it.
And I thought, "Oh, well that's kinda cool. It seems like the more you see yourself, the less your self gets in the way."
But it's not like the self goes away, I'm still here. I was the one watching this person, it was me who was considering the sweetness of their action, me who had the wisdom and understanding to see it for what it was.
But the self that's still here, feels a lot more under my control. It's not really inserting itself into my interactions, it's more like it's on the sidelines. And the other thing is, I know it. I know that when I say that I saw the sweetness of their behavior, that's me too- that's probably me being delusional, but at least I know it, I see it, and that seems to bring me less suffering.
Good morning :)! I'm trying to read your post while looking at the professor so he thinks I'm paying attention. (but reading your post is definitely more fun than learning about the amygdala ;). newho I liked your line: "the more you see yourself, the less your self gets in the way." Have a good day, and can't wait to hear how your trip goes and to see pictures!
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