Zen Party

I decided to have a party. First, it was really simple. Then, it got all complicated. In the end, it was sweet: a bunch of people sharing themselves and spending time together.

My room mate told me that he was going out of town for the weekend and I thought, “Oooh, it’d be fun to have a party at my house that weekend. When we had that party for that girl who was leaving, it was really mellow. We just sat around, some people drank and ate, and I got to talk at length with some people, to get to know them better.”

But then I thought, “Wait, I’m leaving on my trip that weekend. I might not want all those people in my house, I might not want to have to clean up.” And then I thought, “Wait, these people are going to be in my house, they’re going to be in my living room, that’s kind of scary, I don’t know if I want that.” But then I reminded myself again of the party we had for that girl and I decided that it would be fine.

I hopped on the internet and sent out an email to the Young Urban Zen google group announcing my party. I told people to bring their favorite dessert/ late night snack (I think I felt the need to have a reason for the party to distract from the vulnerability of saying: I like you, I’m hoping that you’ll come to my house so that I can talk with you and get to know you better)I gave the details of the event and asked people to RSVP so that we didn’t end up with a bunch of the same dessert.

Two people RSVPd by email. A couple of people told me in person that they were coming. And then, when I talked with my good friend about seeing her at the party she said, “I’m not so sure if I can make it. It’ll depend on how I’m feeling that night.” I was confused, but then I remembered: she had been trying to cut sugar out of her diet because it wasn’t exactly making her insides happy. “Oh my gosh, I totally forgot!” I said. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’ll probably come anyway, it’s just dependent on my state that night. I’m sure I can do it but it’s kind of like being sober, and going to a bar.”

I felt horrible but I also thought, “It’s not like we’re only going to eat dessert at the party, we’ll be talking and doing other things too.” But at the same time, I completely understood where she was coming from. Bars are no fun for me and that’s because I don’t even like alcohol. She likes desserts, this could be a total bummer for her.

About a week later, I got an email from my same friend asking me what I’d think about having the dessert party also be a clothing swap/ book exchange. She had been trying to have her ‘Naked Lady’ clothing swap party for months now and a bunch of people in YUZ had been saying how much they wanted to have a clothing swap too.

When I read the email, my first thought was: No. I do NOT want to turn my dessert party into a clothing swap. None of the boys are going to come now and it’s going to ruin it by making it into an event instead of just a party. But then I thought, “Wait, you don’t even know what a dessert party is. How can you decide that her clothing swap is going to ruin your dessert party? Your dessert party is your dessert party, let it be a clothing swap/ dessert party and see what happens.”

And then I thought, “You know what… if it’s a clothing swap, she will totally come. Let it be a clothing swap ‘cause you know she’ll come for that.” So, I sent out a second email, updating the status of the party. I stole her ‘Naked Lady’ title and called it something like Naked People, Open Books, and Dessert. I also announced the party at Young Urban Zen that night. Later, as I said my long goodbyes because I knew I was leaving for five weeks, people kept saying, “No, I’m going to see you at your party, on Friday night.”

And then I started to get scared. All of a sudden, I pictured all of Young Urban Zen at my house on Friday night (and that can be up to 40 people). I worried about where they would all fit. I worried about the clothing swap and which room we would have it in. I considered having the party in the back yard so that we would fit. Then I worried that if we were outside for the party and inside for the clothing swap it would segregate the party by gender….

At the same time, I had started inviting people at the zen center who weren’t on the YUZ google group because I wanted to share dessert with them. But then this got complicated too. How did I invite one person and not another? And why did I invite one person and not another? And what if one person who got invited talked with another person who wasn’t invited? I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but there were people who I knew it would feel weird to invite to my party and there were others I knew who I totally wanted to come to my party. How could I be true to these different relationships without making people feel uninvited?

I shared this with my room mate and he said, “I find that it never hurts to invite. You should invite the people whose company you enjoy and not worry so much about the number of people at your party. People will come who can come and it will be fine.”  I thought about whose company I would enjoy, and I realized that those people, who I thought would think it was weird for me to invite to the party, were people whose company I did enjoy.  So, I put an announcement, of my party, in a place where all those people whose company I enjoy would see it, and left it at that.

Meanwhile, people started talking with me about what they were going to bring to the party and it was super fun. I heard fond memories of late night Froot Loops, found out that other people ate raw cookie dough too, and discovered that some people were savory, not so sweetly inclined.  At one point someone called and asked, “Would it be all right if I brought my crepe pan? And made fresh crepes?”

“YES!” I answered and thought to myself, “This is going to be the best dessert party ever.”

On the day of the party, I worried some more. I worried about plates, napkins, glasses, spoons, etc. I put everything out, imagined where people would be, tried to place things in a way that would control the motion of people throughout the house, and finally felt like I had done everything I could to make the party go well.

All my worrying and placement of items was completely unnecessary, because a little after 7, people showed up, and they were lovely, and sweet. They brought their desserts and snacks, they brought their clothes and books, and they brought themselves. For all my attempt to control where we would fit, everyone stayed in the kitchen. We shared each others’ food and we talked: about snacks, about our futures and pasts, about our lives. And when it was time for the clothing swap, everyone who wanted to be in the clothing swap, went to the clothing swap; and the people who weren’t interested stayed in the kitchen and talked too. The clothing swap was fun. As people held up their clothes, we got to see their style, hear about the roles the outfits had played in their lives, and then they got to pass these parts of their lives on to others.

Around 9:45, everyone left. I still don’t know if they left because I had warned in the initial email that I get grumpy around 10 or if they just needed, or wanted, to leave. Regardless, by 10 o’clock on a Friday night, my house was clean, all the extra clothes and snacks had been taken away, and I felt loved- honestly, I did. And I felt this way not because of my preparation, not because of the events of the party, but because of the people, who just showed up…and shared.