Fear of forgiveness

This weekend, I took a class on being Mindful and White at East Bay Meditation Center. We were doing some role playing and guided meditation around being confronted with issues of race. The teacher asked us to think about a time when we were confronted by another person around issues of race. As she guided us; she asked us to see the people in the room, to see our selves, to feel our response... and then she asked us to hold ourselves in compassion, to acknowledge our attempt in the situation, to forgive ourselves for whatever we might be struggling with.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't see myself in the scenario and say "It's okay, you tried your best."

I didn't want to be forgiven.

And I was afraid. I was afraid that if I did that, if I forgave myself for what I had done, that I would do it again.

I don't want to do it again. I don't want to see someone as less than, to act out of power, out of fear, or to act from a place of privilege. I don't want to be that anymore- I never wanted to be that- but I have been that. And I really am afraid that if I forgive myself for it, I'll do it again.

I raised my hand and shared this.

The other teacher thanked me for sharing and explained that it's a common belief that we act out of guilt and shame and that guilt and shame will keep us from repeating the same behavior. The first teacher also explained that, honestly, we're going to do this over and over again. We're going to continue to make mistakes, mess things up, but that the action isn't what's important, it's how we respond to it, what we do about it once we are aware of what we have done.

I appreciated their comments and, cognitively, I get that I need to accept what I have done. I know that punishing myself or judging my behavior isn't going to make it go away or keep me from doing it again. I know all too well that this is about seeing my behavior, seeing my habits- it's the only way I can begin to interrupt them. I also know that I'll see them a lot more clearly if I just accept them as they are, not place them in a value of good or bad.

But this forgiveness piece, I just can't do it. I don't know what to do about it but it doesn't feel right to forgive myself for this. It feels just as privileged as the act itself.