So, this morning I was not so nice. I had absolutely no patience for Boy 1 and Girl 1. I was super strict with them about calling out and asking for help when I thought they didn't need it. I was also super strict with the rest of the class- making them be super quiet, making them constantly look at me and follow my directions. On top of that, I did all this during our second lesson on decimals.
Decimals are always a huge struggle for third graders- we basically turn their entire understanding of place value on its head: suddenly, a 10th is LARGER than a 100th. Normally, I use this experience to teach them about how learning works: you get confused, you stick with it, you start to understand more which makes you more confused, you stick with it, you understand more, the unit ends, you keep learning. Then one day, usually in February or March, you understand decimals- not because you suddenly understand decimals but because you stuck with it and learned it.
Yeah, none of that happened today. You know what happened today? I looked at my class not just through my own habits and history; no no, that wasn't enough for me today. Instead, I looked at my class through my perception of the parent-in-the-hallway's perception of my class. Boy 1 and Girl 1 didn't stand a chance.
They were no longer suffering individuals who needed my support and proximity, they were competition for my attention, they were needy kids who took away teachers' time, they were "disruptions." And on top of all that, they actually weren't any of those things because the parent didn't say anything to that effect about Girl 1 and Boy 1. The parent just helpfully worked with the kids in the hallway. But I couldn't stop thinking that the parent was listening to me and Boy 1 and Girl 1 and thinking how rude they were to me, how disrespectful, how needy. And so what did I do? I tried to change Girl 1 and Boy 1 by controlling them with threats of calls home and sitting at recess. It worked, they changed their behavior but it was only temporary and fear based and neither of them got my support in their learning today.
After recess, once the parent had left, I was so much more kind and patient with them. It kind of pissed me off because now, now that the parent was gone, I was a really good teacher- super understanding and patient and kind- darn it! Now was when I wanted the parent to hear my class and my interactions with the kids.
Anyway, I think it's something that a lot of teachers go through- seeing the class through the eyes of the adult in the room. I know that almost all teachers are way more critical of themselves when someone else is in the room How ridiculously foggy is that state of mind? And delusion? That's like a triple decker sandwich of delusion right there- the parent wasn't even in the room!
Great post. From a parent perspective (I'm a father of an 11-month old); I'm also very aware of my acting at daycare in the presence of teachers and/or other parents. I try even more to be a good father, that is, I don't react so spontaneous and pure as I want to be anymore... Anyways, it's just another side of 'me' I guess, the 'I' who wants to be a perfect father, and cares about the opinion of others.
ReplyDeleteHeya, I'm in Ethics class dying of boredom listening to something about insurance policies... agh, just give me the test ;). I totally get this...being watched and suddenly seeing yourself through the eyes of someone else. I'm sure once I start doing role-plays as a therapist, and the teacher comes around to watch, all my people skills will fly out the window as thoughts of what he's thinking distract my attention and I'll wonder if I left my brain at home.
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