Leaving the building, gratefully

Oh, wait, that didn't come out how I was expecting. I'm not, like, "Phew, finally, I can leave that place!" It's more that I'm 'leaving the building' with an immense feeling of gratitude for the people in it.
Let me just tell you about my last two days at the zen center. On Friday, I had silly fears, but they were relieved by the people around me . On Saturday, it was just sweet all around.
Friday morning, I walked into the zendo and started toward a seat I had been at the day before. But then I thought, "Oh shoot, yesterday I sat there and bumped my friend's knees when I sat down. I don't want to bump him again." And then I thought, "Wait, if I sit there two days in a row, is he going to feel hurt if I don't sit there on the third day?" so I started to turn and sit near my other friend but then I thought, "You're making decisions out of fear, don't do that. Stick with your first thought, go sit down." So I turned again and sat next to my friend, only back a little so I didn't bump him. He, of course, scooted forward...
Then it was time for service. Service involves chant books and chant books involve people passing them out. I know the form for this: whoever is closest to the chant books, passes them out. But I'm still kind of scared about how to pass them out. I've watched people do it so I mostly know what to do but I have to admit that really, I just try to sit far away from the chant books so I don't have to do it. Normally this is easy to do because I'm one of the last people in the Buddha hall because of where I sit in the zendo. But this morning, because I stuck with my gut and sat by my friend, I was one of the first people in the Buddha hall. When you enter the Buddha hall, you're kind of supposed to just do it efficiently: walk in, bow with the person next to you, and go to whichever side you end up on. As I walked in that morning, I seriously considered choosing a side, just so I wouldn't have to pass out the chant books. But then I said, "No, no preferences," and just went to wherever was open and, you guessed it, I ended up closest to the chant books. "Stupid me," I thought. " See where practice gets you? If you had just sat in that other seat...." But then I just sighed and accepted it: "Guess this is the morning where I learn the form..."
I tried to focus on the service but really, I was scanning the room to see where the chant books were kept and secretly hoping that there was someone closer to the chant books than I was. Then I started counting how many people were in my row and trying to remember which gong would go to tell me when to get the books. Suddenly, I heard a gong and thought, "Well, here goes..."
But before I could do anything, two people got up (the person behind me and the person next to me) and got the chant books.
"Oh my gosh!" I thought. "I kind of think they're doing this for me. I kind of think that they both know that I don't really know how to pass out the chant books so they're doing it for me. I love this place, I love these people."
Now, the person behind me could easily have thought they were closer to the chant books than I was, so I could be delusional about them. But the person next to me, he definitely knew I was closest to the books...
Who knows what they were thinking, I just felt grateful for them.
On Saturday, I just felt this great sweetness at the circle after service. Saturday circle has always been a little tricky for me. I've always felt unsure about whether or not I belong there because it feels like everyone there is a resident, and I'm not. Plus, they talk about things that involve the building or events or stuff for residents so I kind of feel like I'm listening in on something a little private, and I feel bad about that. Finally, I never know where to stand. I'm often one of the last people walking out of the Buddha hall after service and so the circle is often already formed. By the time I put my shoes on, there isn't much space left in the circle and I hate making people move aside for me so I end up going to the farthest corner and trying to stand both outside and inside the circle at the same time. This past Saturday morning, I was one of the first people out of the Buddha hall and it was so exciting, there was plenty of space for me. But then, as soon as I found a spot, I bumped into the person next to me. Guess what he did? He bumped me back on purpose, and smiled. Then, when one of the other people was the last person out of the circle and couldn't find a spot, he just stood in front of us, and kind of crouched down. We all laughed about that too, then someone patted him on the head, and we all kind of scooched back, and he fit in to the circle too.
It was this laughter, this humor, this acknowledgment of the awkwardness, the reality, (I suppose you could call it the suffering), of our daily existence, that just made me smile and feel really really grateful for everyone in the building.
And then, as I debated how I would announce to the circle that I would be leaving for 5 weeks I just thought, "Awww, I'm going to miss this place while I'm gone."
And then I announced that I would be leaving and a bunch of people came up to me and asked me about my trip and it was just lovely.
I am so grateful that I found the zen center- this zen center, with these people. And maybe that's a preference, but I don't care, 'cause it's just true.