Practicing with big ones

Though we’d all like to hang out in our classrooms and spend our days with the little ones, there are times when we have to interact with grownups.  This past year, after I had been going to the zen center for awhile, I had a situation in which I had to interact with a grownup. Let’s just say that this grownup was in charge of some things in my life. This grownup was suggesting that certain things in my life, that they were in charge of, might change. I did not want those things to change and was pretty livid about it. But then I decided to be all zen about the situation. I decided to meet this grownup with compassion:  to try to see the situation for what it was instead of seeing it through my own history and story.

I looked at the situation from the grownup’s point of view, saw the pressure that they were experiencing, how they were trying to help the kids, and decided to make an offer that I thought would help the situation. When I made this offer, the grownup pretty much refused. The grownup explained what they needed to do and then continued to explain why the changes were necessary. I expressed my disappointment and my feelings of being used. The grownup simply said that this was the best decision for the situation.

I was sad. I met this person with compassion and got what felt like a total unawareness of my situation and an apparent lack of interest in my benefit. I was surprised that my offer wasn’t met with gratitude and that the expression of my emotions weren’t met with sympathy or understanding. Basically, I gave compassion and got nothing.

So, I talked with my good friend about the situation. She asked me, “Did you really meet them with compassion?”  We thought about it. If I had truly met them with compassion I would have come to them and said “What do you need? What can I do to support you? How can I help?” And I didn’t do any of those things. It doesn’t mean that they were right in what they did, it’s just that I didn’t really meet them with compassion. I looked at the situation from their point of view and came up with an offer that I thought benefited both of us.

Am I ready to meet grownups with compassion when it involves a consequence for me? Back then I thought I was, but clearly I wasn’t. Am I ready now? Hmmm, I’m not sure about that. I’m going to try, I think. At least I’ll have this situation underneath me to remind me of what compassion should look like but I do think it’s going to be a lot harder when it affects me. I have to be willing to let go of my own story and think about the concept that we are all connected, that by benefiting this person, I am benefiting others, that their happiness is as important as mine. I think this is going to take a lot of trust, which I don’t really have in this person, but which I do have in this process.