Now, I know that I just wrote a post that said that meditation is indescribable and that no one can teach you how to do it. And, as you can see from the title, I am about to try to analyze meditation. So, I must be one of three things: a hypocrite, a zen master (there is no truth, the answer that I gave you wasn't the answer) or an analytical learner. You decide (but at least wait until after you read the post...).
Before I start, I want to provide some context for meditation. For me, the whole point of meditation goes back to why I started writing this blog: I want to be present for my students so that I can see them for who they are and be present with myself so that when things come up in the classroom, I can respond to them with a clear head instead of reacting to them with all my fears and personal history (emotional baggage). I am practicing, cultivating, developing the mental ability to be present for the situation.
So, meditation: clear head, mind free of thoughts but present to the environment around you. For me, the first thing you need is, to actually know what that feels like. I spent a really long time trying to quiet my thoughts. I just kept blocking them out, getting mad at myself for thinking, and basically holding my breath to try to be still. One morning, it got quiet, for, like, two seconds. My head was empty. And then thoughts filled it up again. But for those two seconds, I had felt it. So after that, I kind of knew what I was looking for, and when I would feel it, I would try to hold on to it. Before then, I just felt like I was trying every which way and constantly failing. I have no idea what caused those first two seconds of quiet- maybe it was all the practice, I don't know, but it definitely helped me to have that first experience of quiet.
The second thing for me was the physical aspect of meditation. From the beginning, people have always told me to “focus on your breath.” It never worked for me. When I would focus on my breath, I would just hold it, tighten up, and worry that I was going to suffocate. I'd try to wait for my breath but it took forever. Then when I'd try to do that whole breathe in-breathe out thing, I'd just start doing this weird elongated breath and end up feeling like I was hyperventilating. Recently, though, I've been focusing on the upper part of my body during meditation: straightening up my torso, elongating my lower abdomen, opening my chest, and, as a result, lengthening my neck and aligning my nose with my navel. When I first started this, it felt completely unnatural. I felt like I was constantly “pulling back on the reins” of my upper torso: pushing back my shoulders, straightening my lower back, and tucking in my chin. My body shook, my muscles quivered, I felt totally stiff. But, just like the two seconds of emptiness that I finally felt after trying so hard to clear my head, I actually experienced a quieting of my body. It also didn't last long but I finally felt relaxed, relaxed enough to feel my breath. And now, occasionally, I feel it again- I feel a filling up of my whole torso, and it is relaxing, it calms me, and allows me to focus on my breath instead of my thoughts. I don't like to admit that my body affects my mind, that they're connected but, apparently, they are. It has changed my meditation from a struggle to a letting go, which is still a struggle for me, but it feels more like a settling than a fighting, which makes things more pleasant for me.
And that brings me to the last part of meditation: pleasure. Don't worry, I'm not going to say that meditation is a pleasure for me. It's not. Sometimes, it is- I love it when it is- but mostly, it's practice and effort. However, I have found that it is getting easier for me to let go of my thoughts the more that I enjoy, and trust, having that clarity or emptiness of mind. I mentioned before (z9) that I find security in my thoughts. I like them, they make me feel like I'm in control and I can use them to create another reality that's better than my current situation. So when thoughts come up during meditation, I go with them. I don't actually want to stay in that empty place. It's kind of scary to have no thoughts, to have no control, to be alone. But recently I've been having some really great experiences in being present. In my life outside of meditation I've tried staying in the moment, experiencing feelings instead of avoiding them, and actually seeing reality without all of my made up stories. When I've tried this, I've gotten mostly good responses (though some have been hard). I think that has really helped my meditation. I actually prefer the quiet to the thoughts because that quiet is what's helping me to be present outside of the zendo.
So, that's what working for me now. However, I also know that it's summer- I'm super relaxed, have no responsibilities, and can spend a lot of time thinking about this. I know for sure it will change when school starts again and I guess I'll have to figure it out in a new way then.
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