After attending the Saturday lectures for a while, I discovered that there was a Wednesday night lecture too. The first time I went, I was kind of freaked out. I'm not sure why, but the Wednesday night lecture is a little more formal. They do that bow where you kneel all the way down and put your head on the floor. Fortunately, I had learned about that bow in one of the Saturday intros. I knew enough to put my head on the floor and raise my palms as if I was lifting Buddha's feet above my head three times. I didn't believe in it, but I was also aware that I was a guest in a buddhist temple and I wanted to respect their traditions. Each time I went, I paid attention to all of the rituals that the monks did. I tried desperately to figure out when to bow this way or that way, when to read the chant on the paper, when to relax and sit down, when to get up and leave. I did this mostly out of fear of standing out, but also because everyone there seemed very sincere in what they were doing and I wanted to honor that. However, I participated in the rituals with an air of separation. I would do all their bows and chants but I still wasn't going to meditate. In fact, I always sat on the benches in the back instead of on the cushions, asserting my power to pick and choose which parts of the practice served my needs.
And then I read the blog...
On the city center's website there is a blog written by the Ino. The title “Ino” refers to the person who is in charge of the zendo (the meditation hall, the place everyone goes to meditate). It's fun to read his blog because you feel like you're getting a behind the scenes look at what goes on at the zen center. On one of his posts, he described his experiences with sitting full lotus (that's when you sit with both your feet on your opposite thighs). He explained that even after years of not being able to sit full lotus, he was finally able to and he encouraged others to just try it.
I am not a flexible person. I can only touch my toes because I've been practicing yoga for the past year. When I tried to sit in the intro to meditation thing on Saturdays, I was always uncomfortable and tight and so ended up in a chair. But on the blog, the Ino said that he had come to sitting late, had not been able to do it for the past ten years, but recently found that he was able to do it. So, I decided that at the next lecture I would actually sit, on the floor, with everyone else. I showed up the next Wednesday for lecture, walked past the benches, and approached a cushion. I did what I had learned in the Saturday classes: bow to your cushion, bow away from your cushion, and sit down. At the time, I couldn't sit the way I sit now (Burmese style) so I sat seiza (on my knees with the cushion under my butt).
As soon as I sat down on the cushion, a weird thing happened: my shoulders immediately relaxed, my breath slowed down, and I felt calm. I'm not sure if it's because the only time I ever sat like that was in the Saturday intro classes or if it's because my body was just ready for it. For whatever reason it was, I felt peaceful and happy. I wasn't sure if I was ready to meditate or not but I was at least ready to join all the monks who were sitting on the floor.
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