z18: Trapped in the zendo

I decided to try my hand at the zendo, not because I wanted to be there, but to prove everyone wrong, to show them that the gaitan was just as good as the zendo and, in fact, was better for me. By this time, I had been attending Thursday night beginner’s zazen where you meditate in the zendo and can ask any questions. It was there that I learned why I had been blocked by the Ino. Every morning, the priest “opens” the zendo by offering incense to the altar and walking around to all parts of the zendo and bowing. Obviously when he’s doing this, you don’t want people walking around and settling in their seats so the zendo is temporarily “closed” during this time. I also found out that there’s a sort of a “clock” that tells you when this is happening so if I listened closely enough, I’d know when it was okay to enter the zendo.

I showed up early the next morning and approached the zendo door. I stepped in with my left foot, took three steps, and bowed. I walked to a seat, bowed to and away from my cushion, hopped up onto it and settled in. I immediately felt tightness in my throat. I tried to swallow, to relax, but it didn’t work.  Suddenly my mouth felt dry. I tried to moisten it but it just kept clenching up and I felt the need to cough. I never had to cough in the gaitan. Then I heard the curtain to the zendo close and I totally freaked out. What if I actually have to leave the zendo? Can I even open that curtain? It was awful. I spent the whole time trying to calm down and be quiet. Finally they rang the chime and I got out of there as fast as I could.

That night, I shared the news with my room mate. I explained that I had a panic attack in the zendo and that I was totally going back to the gaitan because all I did in the zendo was freak out- that wasn’t helping me to meditate!  He looked at me and smiled.

“You didn’t have a panic attack. You were nervous and worried, but that wasn’t a panic attack. Also, you’re going to the zen center for community and the community is in the zendo. If you want to stay in the gaitan, go ahead but really, you should go back in to the zendo and deal with whatever it is you’re dealing with in there"

I glared at him. He was so totally right and it was totally unfair. I picked up my dishes, washed them, and went back to my room.

And yes, the very next morning I went back into the zendo and have been going in there ever since.