z15: Beginner's mind

So, the name of the San Francisco zen center’s temple is “Beginner’s Mind.” Often, the abbot starts his talk by advising the newcomers in the audience that they have a leg up on the rest of us because they’re coming at it with a beginner’s mind.  I titled this post beginner’s mind for two reasons: 1) I’m going to talk about what my mind was doing when I first started meditating and 2) I really am going to make a case for the abbot's assertion that beginners do have an advantage.

The craziness, the confusion, the “grasping at straws” feeling that you have at the beginning is, believe it or not, the state that you want, the state that you’re supposed to stay in, it’s the mind of an experienced monk. I’m not kidding, it’s totally true! It’s not a comfortable mind, it’s not one that you can describe or teach, but that mind that you have as a beginner, the totally not knowing what you’re doing but trying anyway, that’s kind of what monks try to maintain in order to meet the world as it is. Don’t think it’s always going to feel confusing and that you’re lost, you’ll definitely begin to come into your own with more practice, but do know that as long as you’re willing to stick with those feelings of confusion and not knowing, you’re on your way. It’s the sticking with it part that makes the difference, I promise.

So, here’s what my mind sounded like when I first started:

Is your mudra on your navel? Yes. Okay, breathe in, now out and down to your mudra, does my mudra catch my breath? Stop thinking!

Okay, breathe. No thoughts. Empty your mind. Okay, my mind is empty, it’s hollow. I don’t have any thoughts. Okay, what if a thought comes? Stop thinking!

Dude, you suck. You can’t stop thinking. What is your deal? Just empty your head! Empty your head! Okay, let your breath breathe you, wayyyyyt for your breath. Should my stomach be pulling in like that? I think I stopped breathing.  What if I stop breathing? Can I pass out doing this? Stop thinking!

Seriously, what is your problem? Why can’t you just shut up? Stop thinking! Be quiet!

Now what? I’m quiet but only ‘cause I’m holding my breath and tightening every muscle in my body.  I can’t do this for 30 minutes. I don’t think this is what they want us to do. Is this it? Cause it doesn’t feel like nirvana, at all.

And then I learned that I should be compassionate with myself, that I should love myself into this, that when thoughts come up I should acknowledge them and let them go instead of trying so hard to push them away or stop them altogether.

It sounded like this:

Who is that walking past? Oh, that’s a thought. Hey how come they’re walking the other way? Oh, that’s a thought. Okay, just relax, breathe, feel your breath, in and out. Wait for your breath. Oh, that’s okay that you’re trying to breathe, it’s okay, at least you’re trying. Okay, let’s try to wait for your breath. Oh, that’s okay, try again. Relax, it’s okay, you’ll get it eventually. I wonder how other people count their breath? I heard you weren’t supposed to count your breath. I’m not going to count my breath ‘cause that’s a crutch. I wonder what makes it a crutch? Am I giving my kids a crutch when I meet them in their zone of proximal development? How am I going to scaffold that lesson on decimals today? Do they get tested on decimals on the CST? Wasn’t that cool how Robby got decimals immediately? It was so great for the other kids to see him knowing something, for him to be an expert. I’ll have to make sure to call on him during the lesson today, give him more opportunities to shine…

I did that for, like, a whole month. It made meditation kind of fun. I could process all kinds of things in the zendo (actually, I think I was still in the gaitan at this point). But after a while I realized that I really wasn’t meditating and I tried something else.

After those two phases, it gets kind of fuzzy. I don’t really recall my “development” after that, and maybe there wasn’t any development. Maybe it was just fits and starts and gradual growth. I do know that the first time that I quieted my mind was really huge for me (z12) and the morning when what I had been practicing in the zendo followed me out into the world (z9) made me want to keep trying. It’s not easy and it’s only going to get better if you’re willing to let it be not easy. Sorry, I wish I could help more than that.

My advice? If you can, find someone else who’s trying to meditate and talk to them about it. If you can’t, figure out a way to stick to it. For me it took a really long time before I felt like I was actually even beginning to have a moment in which I quieted my thoughts. Just don’t think that the confusion is futile, if you’re doing it every day (or at least on a regular basis) all that noise, all that frustration, all that stuff that feels like it’s doing nothing and going nowhere actually is part of the process, it will come, but only if you stick with it.