The zen center is a funny place. No one talks but everyone knows each other. One Saturday after lecture, I approached one of the monks because I had a question about why you were supposed to wear your shoes in the hallway. She answered my question and then said to me, “You sit in the gaitan, don't you?”
“Yes,” I answered, aware that I probably wasn't supposed to be sitting in the gaitan.
“Are you intimidated by the zendo?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “What's so great about the zendo?” I asked coyly.
“Well now that's something you should think about,” she smiled, “that one is better than the other.”
“Well no...” I started to explain.
“We're in the zendo,” she said. I looked at her like, “So what, we're all silent and facing the wall, who cares who's in the zendo?”
Then I thought about it. “Is Blanche in the zendo?” I asked.
“Of course Blanche is in the zendo,” she answered.
“Oh,” I said. “I guess it would be nice to be near Blanche.”
“Just think about it,” she said, and walked away.
I did, for about two seconds. Then I said “Meh, she doesn't know me. She thinks things are better in the zendo. They're not. If I go in the zendo all I will think about is rules and monks and what I'm doing wrong. The gaitan is the place for me.”
A couple of weeks later, I came to sit at the evening zazen and was so early I was there even before the Ino. As he walked past me, sitting in the gaitan when I clearly didn't need to (most people sit in the gaitan if they're late) he pointed to the zendo with a big smile on his face and said “Lovely zendo there...” I so wish I had had the speed of mind to respond: “Lovely gaitan here!” but I didn't. I think I said something like “Someday, someday...” But I was surprised. Even the Ino knew I was sitting in the gaitan for no reason.
The final straw was when the shuso, the head student at the zen center, remarked on my habit of sitting in the gaitan. I had attended her lecture that night and wanted to let her know how impressed I was with her teaching. After I complimented her she asked, “You sit in the gaitan, don't you?” Damn, I thought, what is it with these people, can't I just sit in the gaitan and not have everyone notice?
“Yes, I do,” I answered hesitantly.
“You put your hands in gassho when I pass by,” she said.
“I thought that was what you were supposed to do,” I answered, totally afraid that I actually wasn't supposed to be doing that, that for some reason all the other people were supposed to do it and that by copying them without being a monk I had somehow offended her.
“Yes, you are,” she said. Then she asked, “Are you intimidated by the zendo?”
“Ummm,” I answered. “Let's just say it's working for me right now.”
“Okay,” she answered and let it go at that.
I was totally annoyed by this. I have a weird tendency to do things that people suggest just to prove how very wrong they are in their suggestion. I knew that the gaitan was the place for me but I decided that I would sit in the zendo the very next morning just to prove to these people that they didn't know what was best for me.
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