z16: Staying on the wagon

Around the time that I decided that my new year's resolution would be to meditate every day, NPR had a report on how people are able to keep their new year's resolutions. They said that there were two kinds of people in the world: those who keep their habit by giving themselves a break from it now and then and those who, if they take a break from the habit, drop it completely. I took a look at myself and I knew: I was one of those people who, given a break, drops the habit completely. I had to go to the zendo like I brush my teeth: it's what you do when you get up. I wasn't any more committed than anyone else, I just knew that if I were given the option between meditation and sleep (or, meditation and anything, actually), I would never choose meditation. So I just removed the option. 

The other thing was, I was already awake at the time I was supposed to be awake to get to the zendo (though I wished I were able to sleep later). I was in my bed, thinking about my day and I figured if I was up thinking anyway, I might as well go to the zendo and try not to think. But I also had it easier than most: I live really close to the zendo and I started this habit during vacation. Dragging oneself out of bed at 5AM for a five minute bike ride after which you can sleep for as long as you like, is very different from what most people have to do in order to develop a practice of meditation.

I was pretty consistent with my habit throughout winter break and up through my first week back at school. But during my second week, I was feeling exhausted and stressed. I decided that it was because I wasn't getting enough sleep. I was staying up late worrying and then getting up early to go to the zendo to try not to worry. It seemed like I should let myself sleep in, so I stopped going. But that didn't make things better either. It dawned on me that I might be feeling stressed because I wasn't going to the zendo each day, not because of lack of sleep. So, I started going again and have been going pretty much ever since. I still miss a day if it's raining or I'm sick or if I stayed out late the night before but for the most part, I go every morning at 5AM. I do have to say that going every morning took some pressure off of the meditation time itself. Going once a week or infrequently, I felt like I had to make the most of my meditation, to get it right. Now that I go every day, it doesn't matter so much that I have a song in my head or have an imaginary conversation with a coworker during zazen, maybe I'll do better tomorrow.