z6: 2nd date with the zen center

At this point, I was going to the zen center on Saturdays for the dharma talk and on Wednesday nights for lecture. Though I was sitting on a cushion on the floor, I still wasn't meditating and I felt totally fine about that. However, at the same time, I was starting to get to “know” the people at the zen center. I put “know” in quotes intentionally. I didn't know them at all, but I saw them every week and, in some ways, knew them incredibly well. I relied on them for cues about how to bow, when to chant, etc. I also “knew” what I guess you could call the “big monks.” The Abbot, Paul, and the senior dharma teacher Blanche, often gave the lectures on Wednesday and Saturday. Sometimes they would share parts of their lives, but mostly I got to know them through their lectures the same way you get to know your professor. In attending the Q and A sessions after the Saturday talks, I began to see them in a more human setting. During the Q and A sessions they often said things like “I don't know” or “in my experience.” They would even ask us questions back; not in the obnoxious YOU figure out the answer way, but in order to clarify their understanding of our questions and to better answer them. They started to become real people, instead of ominous figures in robes.

Now, I can't explain this next part. I don't believe that people are special or gifted or have a calling or anything like that. In some ways, I think it's what makes me a really good teacher because I genuinely believe that everyone can do anything. However... the first time that I heard Blanche speak at a dharma talk I thought two things: 1) She reminds me of my dad and 2) I hope that someday I can have the presence that she has. I can't explain why Blanche has this effect on me and others, but when you're around her, you just feel better. It's not like a “high” or a friend who boosts you up. It's a feeling of grounding or safety; like things will be taken care of. But she doesn't do things for you or protect you, thing just get done, and they're done with respect and with a certain honor but still within this humble sense of just doing it because it needs to be done. Needless to say, I felt connected to Blanche and so, began to feel connected to the zen center- I just wasn't ready to admit it yet.