This week, I worked in my classroom for a bit. I went in without any expectations of how much work I would get done. Once I got there, I did create an idea in my head of what needed to "get done" and I made sure that those things got done first. As I was leaving to meet a friend, I looked around at my classroom in disarray and started to worry about how much more needed to get done before school starts. But then I asked myself, "Did you get done what needed to get done?" and "Did you do it well?" The answer to both those questions was yes, and so I was able to walk away from my classroom and let go of its apparent disarray and "not ready" ness.
As I was walking away I thought, "Well that was nice. I wish I could do that with people too."
And then I started thinking about people in my life that I grasp at, or with whom I have difficult interactions and I thought, "Hmmm, I wonder if I did with them what 'needed to get done' and if I did that 'well' then maybe I'd be able to let go of the stuff that kind of stiffens my relationship with them, that blocks me from seeing our genuine interaction."
It was hard to figure out what 'needed to get done' with people. It also felt weird to think of my interactions with people in that way- in terms of 'getting things done,' like they're a task or something that I need to do. But today, as I was emailing my dad, I noticed that I was just 'typing an email' to him. I was definitely composing it but I noticed that I was composing it in a way that was attempting to control our interaction together.
This didn't feel like I was "doing it well" so I stepped back and thought about what I actually wanted to say to my dad, not what I could do to coordinate our time together this evening. And what I wanted to say was "Thank you for getting tickets for us. It will be nice to listen to holiday music together. I'm looking forward to spending time with you."
I didn't type that exactly. I edited it because, well, I'm still working on things like this. But I did thank him for getting the tickets, mentioned how excited I was about hearing holiday music, and confirmed what time we would meet.
It's a start, but I also think it's something to think about as we enter a weekend filled with scarily open and abundant amounts of time with those people with whom we have so much history. Good thing I've been running this week; I should have the lung capacity for the number of deep breaths I'll need to keep stepping back and seeing myself and the person in front of me for who we are.
No comments:
Post a Comment