Rethinking sesshin

I had written in an earlier post that I was going to have my own sesshin by challenging myself to meditate at home. Tonight, I had my own little version of a sesshin dharma talk by listening (online) to the talk that Paul gave to people who actually are sitting sesshin.

One of the things Paul suggested in his talk was that we keep in mind what brought us to practice in the first place.   When this was mentioned in a dharma talk earlier in the practice period, I had to laugh out loud. I imagined myself keeping in mind what brought me to the zen center in the first place: a desire to meet guys- ha!

But after that talk, I thought about what was beneath my desire to meet guys- it was an attempt to find community, a place where I belonged.  And in thinking about community and belonging I realized that what I really was looking for was connection; and that this desire for connection came from an early experience with disconnection.

And then I thought again about staying away from the zen center during sesshin. I thought about why I really wanted to stay away. At first, it was because I didn’t want to be in the way. I knew that there were a lot of people who were coming to sit and I didn’t want to add to the crowd.  But then I thought about the people who were sitting and I knew that no one would have thought that I was in the way. In fact, on Monday night my friend even said to me, “You should come sit with us.” And I knew that it was genuine and that I really would be “sitting with” them if I sat during sesshin.

So then I pictured myself coming to the Buddha’s enlightenment ceremony on Saturday and here’s what I pictured: a room full of people who have been sitting together for seven days straight. When I think about this, I think that I don’t want to interrupt their practice, I don’t want to impose upon the intimate community that they have created. But when I feel this, I feel left out. I feel like I will be sitting in a room full of people who are connected by their sesshin experience and I, not having participated in sesshin, not having formally signed up for the practice period, not willing to publicly commit to being part of something, will feel alone.  

This is all me. No one is excluding me- in fact, they’re inviting me to join. My little “at home sesshin” was a really nice, noble- looking cover up for not wanting to be on the outside of something that I probably wanted to be a part of but was too afraid to join.

At first, I told myself that if I was awake at 5:10, I’d go down to the zendo to sit; otherwise, I’d just meditate at home. But then I thought about other things Paul had said in his talk: practicing whole heartedly, seeing yourself, being aware of what you’re unwilling to leave behind when you enter sesshin. Now, I’ve  actually set my alarm for 5:10. I’ve got my bike in my room and my boots by the door. I’ll sit in the zendo, not the gaitan, and if I feel left out, I’ll feel left out. Mostly though, I’m going to sit, with my community.