I was noticing today, that I just couldn't seem satisfied with a relationship unless it had a romantic aspect to it. No matter how much attention the person gave me, unless it was somehow connected to or showed the beginning of a future long-term or even vaguely committed relationship, I felt like there was no relationship at all.
At first I thought, "Oh, I know why you're doing this. You think that the only permanent relationships are romantic ones: marriages, boyfriends, etc. It's only ones that have a formal commitment to them that you feel are permanent. And you, you like permanent relationships. You want there to be a commitment, a security, a guarantee that you won't be left." So, then I pointed out to myself all the permanent relationships I have that aren't romantic: lifelong friendships, neighbors, cousins, coworkers, parents and children, etc. And I decided that what I needed to do was to broaden my concept of committed relationships to include ones that aren't romantic.
But then I thought some more: about neighbors who move, friendships that naturally fade, boyfriends you grow out of, even marriages that end. And then I remembered impermanence, and the fact that all relationships are temporary- in the same way that people are temporary. It isn't the commitment that makes a relationship permanent, there isn't anything that makes a relationship permanent, it could end (or begin) at any second.
I suppose that I'm supposed to accept this. If the first "noble truth" of Buddhism is to accept that there is suffering, then this would be a suffering that I'm probably supposed to "embrace." I don't know. Part of me is interested in trying to accept that- in acknowledging that my relationship with each person is only in the moment.
Looking at it this way, imagining that my time with this person could end at any second, would definitely flip things around. I certainly wouldn't feel dissatisfied that it wasn't romantic and I don't think I'd be grasping for more. I think I'd just feel so incredibly grateful for the time that I do have.
It's a scary proposition to make and I think it's going to require really being present when I'm with the person and then just letting that be all it is, not thinking so much about the relationship when I'm not around the person. It's that whole concept of letting go, of experiencing without grasping, of accepting what is instead of trying to create, with my thoughts, what isn't.
Wish me luck...
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