Figuring out people

Honestly, this post probably doesn’t relate to anyone else ’s experience but I’m posting it anyway. I guess this one is for me, not so much for others.

During sesshin, Paul said (or maybe he quoted) this: “If you’re trying to figure it out, you’re already separate from it…” At the time, it made me think about the blog and whether or not I should be writing it. But this morning when I thought about it, I thought about people.

Basically, I had been trying to figure someone out. I had been thinking about how to get them to like me. I was thinking about how to cultivate a secure relationship with them: a guaranteed, ongoing, consistently pleasant experience between the two of us. Yes, I see now how ridiculous of a request this is, but it’s what I was thinking.

But because I was thinking it during zazen I told myself, ‘that’s a thought’ and then thought about why I was thinking it. In doing this, I realized that I was trying to figure things out between me and this person. And then Paul’s quote popped back into my head: “If you’re trying to figure it out, you’re already separate from it.”

Now, to me, Paul’s quote is saying that in trying to figure things out, you’re creating a separation between yourself and the practice. When actually, you already are the practice, you’ve got a natural inclination to be present and awake. When you try to grasp at the practice or do it a certain way, you start to create things that actually block you from being this naturally awake person.

So then I thought about this person, and people in general, and I thought, “Oh wait, we’re already  connected to others. We’re not actually separate from each other.  This person is already here, right next to me.” And that’s what I pictured in my head: the person, sitting right next to me. And I looked at them and I said, “Oh, you’re here.” And they said ,”Yeah, I’ve been here all along, where were you?” and I didn’t have an answer, I just looked down at my hands and they went back to what they were doing, which was just sitting there.

And I thought about trying to figure them out and how unfair it was. How I was trying to fit them and our relationship into some certain box or category and in doing this, I was creating a wall between us, blocking any interaction we might have, not seeing the person who was right in front of me while at the same time, trying desperately to get them to come over to me.  

And then I thought about it some more and at first, I felt pretty great. I smiled at this person and gave them a sideways hug and felt how nice it was to have a loosening around this thing that has been such a struggle for me. But then this person was still there, just sitting next to me, doing their thing. And I thought, “Hey! We’re connected, how come you’re just sitting there, doing your thing?”

And then I realized two things:

All we are is connected. Connected doesn’t necessarily mean pleasant or nice or even secure, it just means that that person, with all their stuff, is right next to you.

I need to just accept that we are connected, not use this realization that we’re connected as a way to become more intimate with this person or to think that if I just let go and accept our connection that I will guarantee continued intimacy with this person.  It just is, we’re just connected, it’s a fact, it’s not going to be good or bad, secure or insecure, it just is.

So that’s where I am, connected to this person.  And when I see this person next, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t say that I like that fact, but I’m going to try to be present for it, present for myself in my interactions with this person and present for the person in front of me.