Report cards

I've been having an interesting relationship with writing the kids' report cards this week. Normally, I start about 3 weeks in advance: determining what I already know and what I still need to find out, doing assessments to find out what I didn't know, and actually inputting their grades and writing comments. 
This fall I discovered that I really didn't need three weeks to write their report cards. As I started the process, I realized that because I'm constantly figuring out their academic progress, I already know the things that I normally spend two weeks investigating, I was able to finish the kids' report cards in a weekend!
So last weekend, when I was supposed to be inputting their grades I said to myself, "Is this what needs to be done this weekend?" and I answered myself no.  "You used to think that it needed to be done three weeks in advance but now you know that's not true. What needs to be done can be done next weekend."
And now it is "next weekend," and I am doing what I used to do in three weeks, in two days. Report cards are due in 36 hours: it's not working quite as I had planned.
I think I know why.
It's not working because I went in to this weekend thinking it would be just like my weekend in the fall. So, instead of just writing report cards, I'm thinking about how much longer it's taking than before. I'm adding to the act of writing report cards by thinking about it. By comparing this to my first experience, by having expectations about it, by evaluating it, I'm totally changing the experience. If I just went in to this thinking that I was writing report cards, I'd just be writing report cards.
The second reason is that I'm not totally engaged in it. I'm not all that excited about writing 20 report cards so I'm doing it in my cozy bed, I'm listening to Pandora, I've organized my papers not to help me write report cards, but to allow me to do it while sipping my tea. I'm basically doing everything I can to make this a pleasant experience.
Fortunately, I noticed this. So, I took a break and made some dinner. I focused on being present while making dinner: noticing when I was getting carried away with my thoughts, taking a deep breath, focusing again on my sauteed carrots and boiling pasta. It helped, and when I was done, I went back to the report cards. Only this time, I really did do the report cards. I thought about the kids and what they know. I accepted that I was going to have to do a lot of work and that I have more work to do tomorrow.
I can't say that I'm suddenly enjoying writing my report cards. But engaging myself in it, rather than thinking about the fact that it's not as fast as last time or even trying to turn it into a pleasant experience, has made it more of what it is: thinking about the kids and how they're doing.
One more thing that I've noticed about writing report cards. In the past, writing report cards was a really nerve wracking experience for me. I saw each kid's failure on their report card as an example of my failing them as a teacher. And then, as I inputted each grade, I felt like I was actually defining that kid's ability- that when I gave the kid a "2" that they actually were a "2" for that skill.
But this year, I realize, it isn't about me and I don't really have control over the situation. The kids know what they know right now. Writing the report cards helps me to see what I still need to teach and who needs to learn what, but me writing down their grades, that doesn't change what they do and don't know. And their failures aren't always about me and what I've done as their teacher. Some of them need more time with a concept, some of them don't test well, and some of them just bubbled in the dots so that they could get back to drawing in their sketch book. Yes it's about me and no it isn't.
And I think that I can see this because I’ve actually put my best effort into the classroom this year.  I think that because I’ve been present to their needs, aware of their learning, and really engaged myself in what I’m doing, I’m okay with where they are, in accepting what they do and don’t know as just a part of where they are.
I’ve also changed my expectations of success and failure. It’s become more about what’s important (that they love learning and actually are learning) and less about how I’m doing as their teacher (how are my test scores).