We ALL are f*#ed up…

I know, that seems like a mean way to start a blogpost but I don’t mean it in a mean way. And I’m writing this blogpost not to point out how f…ed up we are; but to point out that what we think of as f…ed up, is actually the human condition. I’m not being pessimistic here, I’m being realistic and asking you to reframe what you think is so f..ed up about yourself.

Here’s the deal: things happen, to people, and they experience some stuff and develop some habits as a result. It’s just the way life is. But when we fear this stuff or hide it from others, it develops its own identity and can create a wall between ourselves and the people around us who, if we’d show them our stuff, would probably love us anyway (at least that’s my theory).

In Young Urban Zen, we’ve been talking about people giving ‘way seeking mind’ talks. I think this ‘talk’ is different for each person, but it seems to be mostly about either what brought you to the zen center or how zen practice plays out in your every day life.

I thought about giving a ‘way seeking mind’ talk. I even started to practice saying it, but every time I did, I started crying. I thought to myself, “There is no way that I can give this talk. I can’t even say it at home without crying- no way am I going to say it in front of a bunch of people and make them cry.” I thought I would put a damper on the room, I thought my talk would be too depressing, and honestly, I got kind of scared. I thought that people wouldn’t like me anymore. I thought that people would not know what to say to me or would feel awkward around me. I even thought they would think, “Hey, what happened to that fun girl? I’m not so sure about this one that’s all tragic.”  

And then I thought about the other way seeking mind talks that I had heard at the zen center. I started to compare their ‘tragedies’ with mine. (I know, this seems like a really bad idea, but in the end, it was what made me realize that we all are f..ed up). But when I started to do this I said to myself, “Really? Do you really think that what happened to you is so incredibly tragic? Do you think that you’re the only one who has experienced suffering?” And it turns out I’m not. Everyone experiences suffering of one kind or another and it isn’t about the degree or type of suffering. Honestly, it isn’t really about anything except that we all experience it. 

But then I realized some other things. I thought about how I felt about the people who gave their talks. Their talks, their stories of their lives, didn’t change my opinion of them, they just helped me to see how zen practice plays out in life. I didn’t suddenly see them in a different light, I often just gained a new perspective on how one person sees or experiences things in their life. Sharing your suffering doesn’t make people judge you or stop liking you, it just brings it out in the open so that others can see that we’ve all experienced some s@#$.

I also realized that our ‘stuff’ is kind of our stuff, and kind of not. Life happens, and it happens to us. We don’t always choose to have this stuff happen, sometimes it just happens. But when we start to own it and identify with it, we suddenly start to think that it’s all there is to us. And it is, it’s a big part of us, but it’s not all of us, and sometimes, it can be what makes us beautiful and real.

And I then I finally thought about my own so-called-tragedy. I realized that it’s not so much a tragedy, it’s just what happens in life sometimes. It’s real, and I need to acknowledge and experience the suffering it caused me because at the time that it happened, I didn’t acknowledge it at all and that has caused me more suffering than the actual thing itself. But still, it just is. It’s not me, it’s not more sad than others, it just is, it’s part of who I am.

And honestly, that part of you that you think is so f..ed up, that if you told anyone about it they would immediately reject you, isn’t.  It isn’t! You’re not f..ed up, you’re just human and us humans, we’re all f..ed up. So really, by comparison, no one is f..ed up, we’re all just here.